Why the tears?
Recently, I was skimming some of the music videos on YouTube, looking for performances of "Con te partiro," a glorious bit Italian song, translated as "Time to Say Goodbye." I came across a performance by a young man I'd never heard before singing with Andrea Bocelli. His name is Gregory Lemarchal. I immediately became enthralled with the young man and looked up other performances on YouTube. There are several, and in one he manages an amazing falsetto. And then I came across a lengthy "documentaire" about him. Not knowing French, I watched and was puzzled by the frequent appearance of what was clearly a physician. I did not finish the documentary and went to Wickipedia only to discover that they young man had died while awaiting a lung transplant for cystic fibrosis. Tears came rushing to my eyes and I could not get his face and voice out of my thoughts all that evening..and even now, as I write, the emotions are near the surface.
But why could such a short encounter via a couple of videos affect me so much? This puzzles me. I'm not one who often cries, though I suspect I am freer than many men and certainly many my age (68), at least in America. Then I realized that earlier this year, at a performance of the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto by Augustin Hadelich and the Seattle Symphony, I was nearly sobbing through the second movement. Another time was when the Marrowstone Music Festival performed the Vaughn Williams "Fantasia on a Theme of Thomas Tallis."
Recently, I've been re-reading "This Is Your Brain On Music" by Daniel Levitin. He is a neuroscientist and a musician. He has been researching the interaction of the brain and music with sophisticated instruments and has begun to understand how the brain processes music. The book is a highly readable summary of what is currently known about this. From it, I began to think that I understood a bit of what is often called "taste," the personal preferences for specific genres and performances/performers. Some of it is hard-wired and depends on the specific physiology of our ears and the unique structures of the individual brain. Some is conditioned by our early experience (listening to Bach as a baby may not make smarter, but it may incline the adult to like classical music and even Bach specifically). So when Maestro Hadelich played his glorious Stradivari violin, the tonal qualities of the instrument, the specific tuning by Maestro Hadelich and his distinct mode of playing all were "optimal" for my ears and my brain, and thus produced a greater affinity for the music and triggered the emotional response of crying. I've heard other versions of that piece and had NOT felt that emotional connection before. That this is distinctly related to Maestro Hadelich and his specific instrument is born out by the affinity I have for his YouTube presentation of the Dvorak Violin Concerto.
If I assume that I have a better understanding, via Levitin's book, about my response to music, does that provide an insight into my response to the death of the young French singer? In this particular case, I think something else is working, but possibly analogous to the music situation. The video of his performance of Con te Partiro focuses on his face and especially upon his eyes. It is said that the eyes are the mirror of the soul. I believe that I responded to the emotions that he expressed in his eyes, particularly when he looked at Maestro Bocelli. I think I saw adoration in his eyes and also a vulnerability. (BTW...the performance was in the context of a French "talent search" type of contest...though very different from "Britain's Got Talent.") I felt a palpable sincerity in his face that deeply moved me. And the vulnerability triggered a desire to enfold and protect (perhaps this is different from most males...I think I have a strong empathic streak, as well as a highly developed protective one). So when I discovered that he had died, I felt it as a personal loss.
My inquiry is unfinished. I can see that there is a larger question that may arise as I think about this. It has to do with the issue of personal attraction. If I explore this, it will become extremely personal, and may require first that I share my coming out story and some of the results of therapy that I've benefited from over the years. Stay tuned....I don't know how far this will go.
Recently, I was skimming some of the music videos on YouTube, looking for performances of "Con te partiro," a glorious bit Italian song, translated as "Time to Say Goodbye." I came across a performance by a young man I'd never heard before singing with Andrea Bocelli. His name is Gregory Lemarchal. I immediately became enthralled with the young man and looked up other performances on YouTube. There are several, and in one he manages an amazing falsetto. And then I came across a lengthy "documentaire" about him. Not knowing French, I watched and was puzzled by the frequent appearance of what was clearly a physician. I did not finish the documentary and went to Wickipedia only to discover that they young man had died while awaiting a lung transplant for cystic fibrosis. Tears came rushing to my eyes and I could not get his face and voice out of my thoughts all that evening..and even now, as I write, the emotions are near the surface.
But why could such a short encounter via a couple of videos affect me so much? This puzzles me. I'm not one who often cries, though I suspect I am freer than many men and certainly many my age (68), at least in America. Then I realized that earlier this year, at a performance of the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto by Augustin Hadelich and the Seattle Symphony, I was nearly sobbing through the second movement. Another time was when the Marrowstone Music Festival performed the Vaughn Williams "Fantasia on a Theme of Thomas Tallis."
Recently, I've been re-reading "This Is Your Brain On Music" by Daniel Levitin. He is a neuroscientist and a musician. He has been researching the interaction of the brain and music with sophisticated instruments and has begun to understand how the brain processes music. The book is a highly readable summary of what is currently known about this. From it, I began to think that I understood a bit of what is often called "taste," the personal preferences for specific genres and performances/performers. Some of it is hard-wired and depends on the specific physiology of our ears and the unique structures of the individual brain. Some is conditioned by our early experience (listening to Bach as a baby may not make smarter, but it may incline the adult to like classical music and even Bach specifically). So when Maestro Hadelich played his glorious Stradivari violin, the tonal qualities of the instrument, the specific tuning by Maestro Hadelich and his distinct mode of playing all were "optimal" for my ears and my brain, and thus produced a greater affinity for the music and triggered the emotional response of crying. I've heard other versions of that piece and had NOT felt that emotional connection before. That this is distinctly related to Maestro Hadelich and his specific instrument is born out by the affinity I have for his YouTube presentation of the Dvorak Violin Concerto.
If I assume that I have a better understanding, via Levitin's book, about my response to music, does that provide an insight into my response to the death of the young French singer? In this particular case, I think something else is working, but possibly analogous to the music situation. The video of his performance of Con te Partiro focuses on his face and especially upon his eyes. It is said that the eyes are the mirror of the soul. I believe that I responded to the emotions that he expressed in his eyes, particularly when he looked at Maestro Bocelli. I think I saw adoration in his eyes and also a vulnerability. (BTW...the performance was in the context of a French "talent search" type of contest...though very different from "Britain's Got Talent.") I felt a palpable sincerity in his face that deeply moved me. And the vulnerability triggered a desire to enfold and protect (perhaps this is different from most males...I think I have a strong empathic streak, as well as a highly developed protective one). So when I discovered that he had died, I felt it as a personal loss.
My inquiry is unfinished. I can see that there is a larger question that may arise as I think about this. It has to do with the issue of personal attraction. If I explore this, it will become extremely personal, and may require first that I share my coming out story and some of the results of therapy that I've benefited from over the years. Stay tuned....I don't know how far this will go.
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